Winds and Rain Galore.

Okay, so I've been away.  Like those disciples in the boat watching the winds and waves rock them back and forth, I have been stuck in my own storm wondering will I survive.  I hate rejection.  Anyone else out there know what I am talking about?  I hate not knowing, understanding or liking the answers either.  I'm in a perpetual storm and I am not quite sure when it will stop.  Part of me is scared to be completely honest.  I have seen many storms in my life and am actually pretty tired of riding them out.  Praying and looking for shelter in the only arms there to hold me, God's, is what keeps me going.

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” Matthew 8:23-27(NIV)

What kind of man is he that even the winds and waves obey him?  The kind that knows my sorrows, counts my tears (Psalms 56:8), He know my joys and my victories.  I know that He knows yours too, whatever the heartache is.  You are loved.  We don't face these struggles alone.  There are others who struggle with us.  And He is big enough to hold us all close to Him if we let Him.

There are times, many times I don't feel loved.  People are fickle creatures.  They have rules, expectations, concepts, judgements etc.  I am one of these.  And with being a fickle creation comes affecting the other fickle creatures here living with us on earth.  No man or women is truly an island to themselves.  We are interdependant creatures.  For some that scares them and for others that excludes them.  But we are all here together needing the others.  He made it that way on purpose.  He told Adam that He made Eve because it wasn't good for man to be alone.  So feeling like I need others is a natural healthy thing.  And to want to be needed is as well.  So if I had one wish tonight, one prayer would be that God help me see and others how to allow others to feel wanted, needed and loved.  It's not all about me.

 

Love.. Let's Talk About Love.

I have been trying to sort out my heart today. Sorting out love. About why I love and whom I love and when did the choice to love escape me. Today is Mother's day. The day when humanity recognizes the nurturing tender love picture many carry of their mothers. In some ways it is a day when we can look and celebrate one piece of who God is too. So on this day I reflected on this love issue I have and on the choice of love.

I have heard some say that love is a choice. I can certainly see this view. In His word John 3:16 says “ For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...”. That most definitely was a choice right? In 1 John 4:7-21 (NIV) it talks about God's love vs our love. It says that we know love because God is love. And when we accept God and live in Him we love others. It's a love fest of sorts I guess. So it's in that context we chose love or not to love.

So back to my dilemma and the choice to love. I remember in away choosing to love my son. He was inside my belly and I fell hopelessly in love with him. He is an amazing gift from God. When he was born I remember him searching the room for me and my voice. He knew me and my love from the beginning. Even in a season of trying times I know deep inside he knows I love him. This reminds me of Psalms 139:13 (NIV) “For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.” God knows us and loves us before we even took our first breath, so when was the choice to love?

I chose to love someone who doesn't love me a long time ago. I am actually quite ashamed of my feelings to be honest. I feel like my love is bad and wrong. Now since I made that choice it doesn't seem so easy not to love them. I have tried so many different things to not love the person. But as I sit here tonight I realized that in the split second I chose to love, to truly love, there was no going back. I am blessed by the gift of knowing what it is to chose to love twice outside of God and be blessed by both this person and my son. Regrets, shame, fear they don't belong in love.

“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” 1 John 4:16-18 (NIV)

Does it hurt that my love is rejected. Yes it does. But I wonder if it is a way God is showing me how He feels when I reject His love in my life or when I doubt where His love is taking me. I am earnestly working on falling in love with Him completely. I don't know where my journey will lead but God knows my heart, better than I do I am sure. I believe in Love, I believe in Him...

Walk on Tears

Hope everyone is having a great Easter Sunday. Mine has been one of choices and changes. God calls us to live in His hands. Sometimes doing that means to let go of things that are held dear. Maybe it's laying down an addiction. Or letting go of someone you love dearly. Moving to a place far away from what you know. And it hurts. Sometimes so deeply that all you feel is this consuming ache that feels like it can never be mended or be explained. And it scares you to death. What if I make the wrong decision. What if I have it wrong. What ifs flooding your brain. If you've been here you know what I'm talking about.

Mine has me all twisted inside. I am so concerned about it I asked God, “please tell me if I’m doing the right thing. It's such an important decision and I don't want to do the wrong thing.” But I know that God has a plan for me. A plan to do good and not harm. He says so in His word. He wants whats best for me. Sometimes that means doing what I don't want to do because it's what is His best for me.

Fears many times hold us back. They keep us from stepping into the possiblities. Sometimes it's selfishness that is keeping us from the best God has. These things are just potholes in our journey. If we aren't carefully we will let the potholes determine where we are going instead of letting Him guide the car around them. If all we see are those potholes and trying to minimize their damage we miss out on what the journey could be by not listening to the one with the map.

So I am trying today to let God be the navigator. Right now I am hurting, but I pray that God makes the joy in the morning come soon. I am looking for bright skys and smooth travels.

 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.                                                                  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8