Ummm! Question?

I have been a bad blogger.  I have been so wrapped up in me that I haven't been keeping up.  But this is so me.  I am like the hare I begin a good race but lose sight of the path after a while.  But while I've been away, I have also been contemplating.  The contemplation has been both good and bad.  I question is my life, is it God's best and where it's going.  I question my decisions.  I question God.  Oh no you say!  Question God? Yes. 

The bible shows mixed information on questioning God.  Look in Genesis when Abraham question God about Sodom and Gomorrah.  Moses questioned leading Israel.  So questioning God is not unheard of.  I think there are times in life when things are beyond what we understand.  Isaiah 40 (NKJV) speaks of this.  I love how it states things like:

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, Measured heaven with a span  And calculated the dust of the earth in a measure? Weighed the mountains in scales. Who has directed the Spirit of the LORD, Or as His counselor has taught Him? With whom did He take counsel, and who instructed Him, And taught Him in the path of justice? Who taught Him knowledge, And showed Him the way of understanding?" (12 - 14)

"To whom then will you liken Me, Or to whom shall I be equal?” says the Holy One.  Lift up your eyes on high, And see who has created these things, Who brings out their host by number;
He calls them all by name,  By the greatness of His might And the strength of His power; Not one is missing. " (25 - 26)

"Have you not known?  Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD,  The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. " (28)


God knew there would be times when  I would question Him.  When I would question me in Him.  And He loves me anyway. 

Winds and Rain Galore.

Okay, so I've been away.  Like those disciples in the boat watching the winds and waves rock them back and forth, I have been stuck in my own storm wondering will I survive.  I hate rejection.  Anyone else out there know what I am talking about?  I hate not knowing, understanding or liking the answers either.  I'm in a perpetual storm and I am not quite sure when it will stop.  Part of me is scared to be completely honest.  I have seen many storms in my life and am actually pretty tired of riding them out.  Praying and looking for shelter in the only arms there to hold me, God's, is what keeps me going.

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” Matthew 8:23-27(NIV)

What kind of man is he that even the winds and waves obey him?  The kind that knows my sorrows, counts my tears (Psalms 56:8), He know my joys and my victories.  I know that He knows yours too, whatever the heartache is.  You are loved.  We don't face these struggles alone.  There are others who struggle with us.  And He is big enough to hold us all close to Him if we let Him.

There are times, many times I don't feel loved.  People are fickle creatures.  They have rules, expectations, concepts, judgements etc.  I am one of these.  And with being a fickle creation comes affecting the other fickle creatures here living with us on earth.  No man or women is truly an island to themselves.  We are interdependant creatures.  For some that scares them and for others that excludes them.  But we are all here together needing the others.  He made it that way on purpose.  He told Adam that He made Eve because it wasn't good for man to be alone.  So feeling like I need others is a natural healthy thing.  And to want to be needed is as well.  So if I had one wish tonight, one prayer would be that God help me see and others how to allow others to feel wanted, needed and loved.  It's not all about me.

 

Love.. Let's Talk About Love.

I have been trying to sort out my heart today. Sorting out love. About why I love and whom I love and when did the choice to love escape me. Today is Mother's day. The day when humanity recognizes the nurturing tender love picture many carry of their mothers. In some ways it is a day when we can look and celebrate one piece of who God is too. So on this day I reflected on this love issue I have and on the choice of love.

I have heard some say that love is a choice. I can certainly see this view. In His word John 3:16 says “ For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son...”. That most definitely was a choice right? In 1 John 4:7-21 (NIV) it talks about God's love vs our love. It says that we know love because God is love. And when we accept God and live in Him we love others. It's a love fest of sorts I guess. So it's in that context we chose love or not to love.

So back to my dilemma and the choice to love. I remember in away choosing to love my son. He was inside my belly and I fell hopelessly in love with him. He is an amazing gift from God. When he was born I remember him searching the room for me and my voice. He knew me and my love from the beginning. Even in a season of trying times I know deep inside he knows I love him. This reminds me of Psalms 139:13 (NIV) “For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.” God knows us and loves us before we even took our first breath, so when was the choice to love?

I chose to love someone who doesn't love me a long time ago. I am actually quite ashamed of my feelings to be honest. I feel like my love is bad and wrong. Now since I made that choice it doesn't seem so easy not to love them. I have tried so many different things to not love the person. But as I sit here tonight I realized that in the split second I chose to love, to truly love, there was no going back. I am blessed by the gift of knowing what it is to chose to love twice outside of God and be blessed by both this person and my son. Regrets, shame, fear they don't belong in love.

“God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” 1 John 4:16-18 (NIV)

Does it hurt that my love is rejected. Yes it does. But I wonder if it is a way God is showing me how He feels when I reject His love in my life or when I doubt where His love is taking me. I am earnestly working on falling in love with Him completely. I don't know where my journey will lead but God knows my heart, better than I do I am sure. I believe in Love, I believe in Him...

Dance in the Rain!

The last few days it has rained here. We really needed the rain. It was to warm and grass fires were popping up everywhere. People lost homes and other things. Now that it has rained some wish it would stop. Never satisfied with what we have tends to be a normal theme. I know for me I struggle with being satisfied right where I am at. I want to travel, cook, and save the world and I want it now. But we all know that is not realistic. God's word tells us to be content.

 1 Timothy 6:5-7 says “and constant friction between people of corrupt mind, who have been robbed of the truth and who think that godliness is a means to financial gain. But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.”

 

God wants us to lean on Him, trust and be content where He has us. This is hard for even me, but I am learning everyday. So instead of moaning over the cold and the rain, today I will dance and celebrate it. I will hum as I clean my home, laugh with a nice movie and enjoy the nice meal God has provided for me. Today will only be here now and tomorrow's adventure can wait.

Song that has really spoke to me by Deluge:

Remember to Believe.

"Blessed is the one
   whose transgressions are forgiven,
   whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the one
   whose sin the LORD does not count against them
   and in whose spirit is no deceit.  "

 Psalms  32:1-2 NIV

I remember so many times going over what Christians call the Roman Roads.  It is the pathway we show those wanting to be forgiven and start a life free in Christ.  Confess God is the one True God, Except His Gift of Mercy, Confess your sins and believe.  Sounds pretty simple.  I think its that last little word that gets me in a pickle.  Believe?  What does that mean?  Well I think the simplest way for me is to choose that things are different.  Choose to look for God's will over mine.  When I find myself looking to Him and Believing in Him,  I find peace, forgiveness and hope. 

Today, I have really been struggling with belief.  Not in Him but in myself.  I look at me, at how others seem to view me and I see imperfection, brokenness, and unworthy.  That's when I get into trouble because I forget belief isn't in me but in Him.  I am praying today that not my will but His.  In Him is blessings.  In Him is life.  All I have to do is believe.

Walk on Tears

Hope everyone is having a great Easter Sunday. Mine has been one of choices and changes. God calls us to live in His hands. Sometimes doing that means to let go of things that are held dear. Maybe it's laying down an addiction. Or letting go of someone you love dearly. Moving to a place far away from what you know. And it hurts. Sometimes so deeply that all you feel is this consuming ache that feels like it can never be mended or be explained. And it scares you to death. What if I make the wrong decision. What if I have it wrong. What ifs flooding your brain. If you've been here you know what I'm talking about.

Mine has me all twisted inside. I am so concerned about it I asked God, “please tell me if I’m doing the right thing. It's such an important decision and I don't want to do the wrong thing.” But I know that God has a plan for me. A plan to do good and not harm. He says so in His word. He wants whats best for me. Sometimes that means doing what I don't want to do because it's what is His best for me.

Fears many times hold us back. They keep us from stepping into the possiblities. Sometimes it's selfishness that is keeping us from the best God has. These things are just potholes in our journey. If we aren't carefully we will let the potholes determine where we are going instead of letting Him guide the car around them. If all we see are those potholes and trying to minimize their damage we miss out on what the journey could be by not listening to the one with the map.

So I am trying today to let God be the navigator. Right now I am hurting, but I pray that God makes the joy in the morning come soon. I am looking for bright skys and smooth travels.

 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.                                                                  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Shaken but Endures...

" Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.  As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people both now and forevermore." Psalms 125:1-2 (NIV) Zondervan

I find trust is a hard thing for me.  After experiencing so many things in life that have broken my trust it seems like its a stupid thing to do. Right?  When a person trusts their parent, friend, or someone else to be worthy of trust and they break that it leaves us maybe feeling raw inside and betrayed.  So when I look at God through betrayed scarred eyes it seems hard to believe I can trust Him.  And the anger I have because of it is at times overwhelming.  So what now?  Do I throw my hands up and decide to live a fearful scared existence that has me avoid intimate relationships with others?  My answer is no.

The people that hurt me aren't God.  He said through the psalmist in Psalms 125 that He would surround me now and forever.  He didn't want those people to hurt me.  They had choices and unfortunately they chose the one that hurt me and probably others.  And even though I was hurt God brought good people too.  People who showed me love and kindness even if it was only a little bit.  God's heart is that we make the good choice, but sometimes we don't.  Sometimes we are blinded by our own selfish desires.  We don't see the waves the choices can make.  Sometimes the choices we make are made because we are blind to the other choices available.  Regardless, the choice sets in motion good or bad.  The thing I can trust in is that God will be there to hold me up, comfort me and love on me. 

Someone out there may not believe this.  Might think this lady hasn't seen what I've seen.  She hasn't been through what I've been through.  That could be true.  We all have a different journey.  But I know what pain, betrayal, fear, hunger, anger, and overwhelming misery is.  I have walked with that in my journey.  But I have also known love and been blessed to love as well.  Some of the pain has helped me to see through God's eyes.  If you struggle with trusting Him today I ask that you do what I have done many times.  Stop, get quiet, asking Him why, what, who, how whatever you need to and listen.  If you don't first hear Him speaking to your heart try again.  He will answer.  Trust Him.  When all others fail, He is the one that is truly worthy of your trust.

Hope you have a good day.